I’m often asked, “Storage Aficionado, what are five fun ways that I can use my storage unit?” How often? Easily four or five times per week. Rather than continually needing to discuss storage fun while using the men’s room at the Starbucks at Dodge and 72nd in Omaha, Nebraska, I will publish my advice. I hoping that this blog allows me to urinate in peace.
Also, please don’t come to the Starbucks at Dodge and 72nd in Omaha looking for an opportunity to talk storage with me. I value my privacy. Thank you.
And now for five fun ways to use a storage unit:
Have a lot of stuff that you want to save for the future, but hate shoveling and bolting plaques onto small well-proportioned boulders? Storage units make a wonderful time capsule.
Maybe you have delicate information that will save the world if your future self can access it, but you don’t trust safe deposit boxes. The solution: self-storage.
You don’t have to get all sweaty digging a hole in the ground, forgetting where the hole is, and drawing a map. Heck, just getting the map making materials and remembering what your elementary school social studies teacher taught you is enough hassle to avoid this process.
Who needs the headache?
Instead, get a storage unit, write down the address, use the magnet from your dentist to stick the address on your fridge, and put the gate code for the storage facility in your will.
Now, you have time to do anything except shovel dirt and draw longitudes and latitudes. Your kids will thank you too when they aren’t required to dig up dirt to learn about their family history. Or, possibly, your future self will thank you when you open that storage unit, and it’s stacked with enough water, beans, and laser guns to push back an entire army of cycloptic aliens bent on Earth’s destruction. Don’t laugh. Or do. Either way, my descendants will be ready.
*Voila: exclamation meaning “there it is!”
Sensory Deprivation Chamber
Storage units make perfect sensory deprivation chambers for meditation and realization. It’s a safe place to be alone and decompress. Go in, sit on comfy pillows, close your eyes, play some Enya*, and let your worries drift away. Come back to reality refreshed, and look forward to the work week.
*ENYA- noun: lady who sings like gentle water caressing clouds
Not into the cool calm breathing and meditation of a sensory deprivation chamber? Me either.
So, go the other way with it to the extreme; create a smash room. Fill your storage unit with plates, tables, wooden chairs, breakables, and destroy everything to your heart’s content. Smash, yell, slam, rip, and demolish in a safe place. No judgment in the smash room, PLUS if you get all your breakables at Goodwill during half-off Thursdays the total cost for your stress-relief is extremely affordable. Then, after crushing your anger to the pounding riffs of Metallica (the early stuff*), reset your life clock by cleaning up the debris, and driving home soothed like you just took a bubble bath in a mosh pit.
*The early stuff, circa 1983-91 like “…and Justice for all” or “Black Album”. Avoid new Metallica unless you enjoy listening to bad music
Put a golden medallion in the middle of your empty storage unit. Every so often open the unit, and pretend you’re a treasure hunter who’s finally found Ra’s Amulet. Whisper under your breath, “At last.” Worth the money? Nope! Fun to picture? Absolutely!*
*When I’m rich I’ll rent storage units all over the world, and go global with my treasure hunting discoveries.**
**I will also wear a safari hat to embarrass my kids.
Consider Tetris or Candy Crush. The chain reaction of perfectly fitting together furniture in a large box is extremely satisfying. It’s like a pad of post-it notes lined up exactly with the corner of your desk. Aaaahh! Isn’t that nice? It is? Well, then you’re a Type A* like me!
*Type A- love structure, rigidity; picture yourself or picture the type of person you are not, and annoys you most!
Now, will you please leave me to drink my highly overpriced coffee by myself? I don’t use FourSquare for the specific reason that I don’t want people to know that I’m spending so much time at the Starbucks at Dodge and 72nd in Omaha, Nebraska.