15 Ways Your Storage Unit Can Turn A Profit

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a gift box overflowing with cash

This is how you should view your storage unit.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “a storage unit unoccupied is like a mind unused,” and if he didn’t say that, then he certainly should have. You see, your storage unit is a blank canvas; an opportunity to turn empty space into profit! Here are 15 simple ways that you can turn a climate controlled, mid-sized storage unit into a financial windfall.

Open a Novelty Cupcake Shop

No, you aren’t the first person to think of the Hawaiian pizza cupcake (it was actually Benjamin Franklin), but you can be the first to toss your savory treats at the mouths of unsuspecting locals. With a storage unit just large enough to fit an oven and some cooling racks, you can turn your “bore”-age unit into a “more”-age unit! You know, because you’re selling cupcakes.

Lease it to a Homeless Person

While renting your unit to a tenant is technically illegal and technically a crappy way to prey on the less fortunate, it is a way to make some money. When cardboard boxes just aren’t cutting it, the homeless will jump at the opportunity to enjoy your air conditioned storage and the archived Nat Geos therein. Who said landlords had to be misers?

Dig for Buried Treasure

Okay, here’s the thing: your unit is probably about 100+ square feet. The Earth is literally covered in precious treasures and ancient mysteries. According to some quick math, there’s about a 50% chance that you are sitting on buried treasure right now! Even the storage company can’t be mad when you buy them a space ship with all those shiny doubloons and Egyptian burial urns.

Invent a Sentient Robot

If I’ve learned anything from Short Circuit, it’s that having a robot friend is pretty cool. You can discuss the meaning of life, escape from some bad guys, and end up living in Montana with Steve Guttenberg after 98 fun-filled minutes. With the right tools and some sci-fi magic, your storage unit can literally become the birthplace of artificial intelligence, and plenty of fun-filled memories.

Develop a Computer Virus to Kill Said Sentient Robot

Of course, every dream has to come to an end. Eventually those moments spent musing over cola slogans and chasing butterflies give way to the machines’ realization that humans can’t take care of themselves. When that War Games scenario hits, you can also use your storage unit to secretly develop a crafty, world-saving computer virus. Now who said you can’t play God?

Host Brangelina’s Wedding

This Hollywood power couple has danced around commitment for far too long! Be the hero that American pop culture needs and offer your unit as a combination chapel and reception hall and- Wait, what? They just got married? Well then, I guess it’s on to…

Mediate Brangelina’s Inevitable Divorce

The Hollywood power couple has reportedly been on the ropes since entering matrimony. Apparently, a photographer caught them in a fancy restaurant, not smiling. As the bottom falls out, volunteer to give Angebradlina Jolpitt a place to privately work out their differences and go their separate ways. Do you have any idea how much lawyers make? I hear it’s a lot.

Invent a DeLorean Time Machine

Have you seen Back to the Future? Do that, and sell it. But not to the Libyans.

Become Rich in Friendship

It’s important to remember that not all profit is monetary. Sometimes the soul craves companionship more than material fulfillment. I believe it was Nietzsche who said “We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.” So throw a sick party in your storage unit and make some friends.

Hide a Body for a Mobster

Entrepreneurship is the driving force of any stable economy, and making your own way in the world is the first step to happiness. If you’ve got a truck with a tarp and no conscience, then the mob is the perfect place to take control of your financial destiny. Keep some Quikrete in your unit for some cement shoes. Stash the body behind your knick-knacks and Grandma’s old china. Whatever you do, just make sure you don’t fall in love with the Don’s daughter, or you’ll end up with an offer you can’t refuse.

Run Poker Games for the Yakuza

The mob’s strict ethical code got you down? Why not tap your unused storage space for some illegal gambling! The Yakuza of Japan are known for their illegal gambling, and getting in on the ground floor of that enterprise is a great way to not get shot. Plus, you can use the extra cash to pay off your credit card debt! You’d be losing money not to house the underground casinos of Japan’s largest crime syndicate!

Print Money

When all else fails, drastic times call for drastic measures. A regular sized unit is more than big enough to get that counterfeiting ring off the ground in a discrete way. Hey, if it works for the Treasury, it can work for you too, and in no way is that a misinterpretation of Federal law!

Your storage unit is more than just a place to keep your extra junk, it’s a way to make a living, illegal or slightly less illegal. Make the most of your unit today, and pay for your kids’ college tuition in unmarked, non-sequential bills tomorrow!

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