What’s At The Bottom Of Every Woman’s Purse

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what's in every woman's purseI’m not particularly fond of lugging around a purse everywhere I go, but it’s a necessary evil of being a woman.  Over time I’ve found my purses continue to get larger and larger, the end result being a purse the size of a piece of carry on luggage.

Come to think of it, a piece of luggage would probably be cheaper than a purse.

No matter how good my intentions when I get a new purse, at some point I find it filled with random things I never intended.  Oftentimes I don’t even know what’s in there; and I’m scared to look.

I end up lugging around a bag that’s filled with what’s most likely just a bunch of trash.

Recently I got to thinking about women and their purses and what’s really in those things that are practically glued to our shoulder.  Here are a few things I’m confident every woman has in her bag.

A piece of gum with a pen cap stuck to it

The wrapper for the gum and the remainder of the pen are nowhere to be found, furthering the mystery.

A receipt from 4 months ago

Actually, there are at least 20 receipts dating back to when your toddler was an infant.  None of them are the one you need to return the faulty computer.

Five pens but no paper

These are the pens that actually have the caps.  Since you don’t have paper, you find yourself writing on the plethora of receipts hiding in your bag.  You’re nothing if not environmentally friendly.  Reduce, reuse, recycle.

A black hole that swallows your phone as soon as you put it in your purse

This is the closest encounter you’ve had with the third kind.

Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies

You could probably fund your kids’ college with all that change.  Instead, those pennies will reside there permanently, even after you switch purses.

A nail file that assaults you when you stick your hand into your purse

You have no idea why it’s in there since you bite your nails and never need a file.

At least 2 things your husband asked you to hold onto but then forgot about

Although your husband won’t be caught dead carrying a bag, he has no problem asking you to hold his fingernail clippers and variety of protein bars.

Makeup you have every intention of wearing but never do

You want to look nice and cover those wrinkles and sunspots, but it takes too much time to put the makeup on.  It also takes to much time to root through your purse to find your mascara

Last week’s grocery list

You needed it then but now you’re just stocking up on Diet Coke again because you don’t realize the list is old…until after you’ve left the store.

Hand lotion that leaks on your wallet

Your hands get dry when you’re out and about and lotion is the best way to remedy it. Unfortunately you forget to use it and instead it coats your wallet.  The good news?  Your wallet smells flowerly fresh.

Loyalty rewards cards for stores you’ve been to once

Every store has a rewards card and you don’t want to be the only one without one.  Of course, if you ever return to that same store you will forget you have the card and won’t get the savings anyway.

Am I wrong?  Did I miss anything?  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to throw some paper in my purse so I don’t have to write notes all over my receipts.

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About Lisa Newlin

Lisa is a humor blogger who plays an unconvincing lawyer in real life. She a blog, http://lisanewlin.com, that you should read religiously. Lisa shouldn't be allowed around sharp objects, anything breakable, or anything with carbohydrates. She prefers dogs over most people, and food over most everything. Her husband tolerates her, but she’s not sure why. Lisa writes for NickMom.com and HumorOutcasts.com. Her work has been featured on Erma Bombeck and in thePowderRoom. She also writes a syndicated newspaper column about the funnier sides of practicing law. She co-authored the best selling anthologies “I Just Want To Be Alone” and “You’ve Got Lipstick On Your Teeth.” Her blog, http://lisanewlin.com, will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything, except if the question is "What should I throw on this fire?" Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.

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