It’s a dirty, creepy job and it looks like you’re the one to do it: sorting through a century’s worth of crap. Whether this is the last vestige of Grandma’s legacy, or she has organized it herself from her disintegrating armchair, there are seven things you should pray to avoid.
You thought that nice Grecian urn would add some classy pretension to your living room, but then you looked inside. Thanks, Grams. Now you’ll be showering for the rest of the day.
You somehow knew she was ranking the grandchildren all those years, you just never expected to be edged out by your cousin, Dave.
Film reels labeled “Honeymoon, 1946”
Well, back into the shower.
A now-festering box of Entenmann’s glazed doughnuts
Why couldn’t they be sealed in plastic like all her furniture?
Her taxidermied best friend, Oswald
So that wasn’t your favorite childhood stuffed animal you just showered in kisses. That was a Jack Russell who died in 1963. The conspiracy continues. And back to the shower.
An assortment of mystery-stained linens
Recent studies now conclude that it’s okay to throw some things away. In fact, many things need to be thrown away. Including those sheets Grandma lifted from Riverside Hospital after her colonoscopy.
Stacks of old Cosmo issues with the quizzes FILLED OUT
You could have lived a happy life without knowing that your grandma was well suited for “clandestine quickies with a sassy Sagittarius”.
So, the next time you’re invited to share some fun memories and sort through family heirlooms, just remember: There are some things you just can’t unsee.