Social media has made crafting an identity an easy task. People around the world get to tailor their online profiles to depict the person they want to be. On the other hand, what if all that identity-manipulation has made you someone else? What if, despite photos of your last family barbecue and a few status updates about your office job in suburban Eden Prairie, Minnesota, you are actually Morgan Freeman?
If you’re think that you may be the beloved voice of numerous movies, television shows, and advertisements, but you’re not quite sure, here are some simple questions to ask yourself to discover the truth:
Does your speaking voice sound like you should be narrating a nature special?
Your children simply won’t fall asleep without a bedtime story. Crowds of people stop and listen to you order coffee. When you speak, even you have to admit; it sounds good…
If Mr. Freeman has one distinguishing characteristic, aside from his identity, it’s his voice. Smooth as Nutella and capable of calming entire packs of wildebeests, his demeanor is enough to make even the angriest biker dude sit down and pick daisies.
If you find that your vocal timbre melts butter on demand, and your diction makes Shakespeare look like a cockney street tough, you may be Morgan Freeman. Just remember to use your powers for good, not evil.
Did you star alongside Brad Pitt in the movie Seven?
While your memory may be fuzzy, you seem to recall spending a great deal of time at the craft services table with Kevin Spacey, the trilby in your closet has “all the best! – David Fincher,” written in it, and Desmond Ryan of the Philadelphia Inquirer noted your performance’s “many virtues”.
Yes, we’ll admit, there were an awful lot of people involved in the making of Fincher’s horror thriller, Seven. For example, these clues also suggest that you are co-executive producer Lynn Harris. There may even be a slim chance that you are apprentice sound effects editor Sarah Felpes.
However, if Brad Pitt calls you on a regular basis to discuss the “good ol’ days”, and regularly mentions the movie Seven by name, there’s a good chance that you are, in fact, Morgan Freeman.
Did you win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in Million Dollar Baby?
Okay, this is a tricky one. To be fair, virtually all of us have won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar. I personally have three sitting in storage, collecting dust because there’s just no room left in my trophy case.
Fortunately, there’s a very easy way to tell if you did, in fact, win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in Clint Eastwood’s heart-wrenching depiction of a female boxer.
- Unpack your Screen Actors Guild awards and set them aside.
- Line up your many Oscars and dust off the award placards
- Now, one-by-one, check for the words “Morgan Freeman” and “Million Dollar Baby”
Odds are, if any of these trinkets mention the world renowned actor and the Academy Award winning movie on the same tin plaque, you may very well be Morgan Freeman.
Do your photo albums contain pictures of a young Morgan Freeman?
Here’s another very easy test to help tell if you’re Morgan Freeman. While in your storage unit, take a moment to unpack the old photo albums. Flip past the pages of your children and your beautiful wife/husband, flip past the pictures of wily uncle Ned and his famous keg stand shenanigans, and look at the photos of your childhood.
Now, grab a magnifying glass, and look very closely at each picture. Focus specifically on your face as a child. Were you Morgan Freeman?
The reason this test is so effective is because baby humans retain their identity their entire lives. The odds of you spontaneously becoming someone other than Morgan Freeman if you were Morgan Freeman as a child are extremely low, and should shed some light on your current “am I Morgan Freeman,” situation.
Does Tim Robbins live in your storage unit?
Look, the Shawshank Redemption was a fantastic movie, perhaps even Stephen King’s best work. Furthermore, the entire film likely would not have had the same impact on audiences if not for Robbins’ quiet, dignified depiction of a man whose crystallized appreciation for life caused him to dig a lengthy tunnel to freedom.
On the other hand, grocery stores aren’t taking Golden Globes any more, and rent isn’t cheap in LA. Maybe Tim needed a place to stay, and your climate controlled unit looked a lot more hospitable than the overpass of the 5. Whatever the reason, if your deep-rooted Hollywood connections have resulted in a vagrant former movie star living in your storage unit, there is an off chance that you are Morgan Freeman.
Do you have grey hair?
So does Morgan Freeman.
Are you currently reading this article?
Alright, to be fair, most people know who they are. I mean, I look in the mirror every day and realize that I am neither Morgan Freeman, nor recently deceased character actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. At the risk of crushing a few dreams today, I must say: if you’re reading this article, you probably aren’t Morgan Freeman.
Though you might be Tom Selleck.