There’s one thing everyone can use, and that’s a little less clutter. But while we’re worrying about how to safely store our tchotchkes, Westeros’ most star-studded residents are fighting their own battle against mess (and White Walkers, but the Wall has stood for thousands of years). Here’s a look at how those wily characters are coping with clutter through storage and a little self-searching.
(Spoilers below the fold!)
The life of a queen regent is full of luxury and challenge. With gifts from admirers and social climbers alike (those darn Tyrells…), even the spacious halls of the Red Keep can get a little cluttered. Furthermore, when the legitimacy of your son’s rule depends on keeping those Valentine’s Day cards from Jamie hidden in the back of a desk drawer, storage becomes a pretty attractive prospect.
A look at the storage unit of the Seven Kingdom’s most beloved matriarch is a peek behind the curtain of high society. Just past the dartboard with a picture of Tyrion’s face, Cersei’s collection of dragon’s teeth are tucked safely behind Joffrey’s childhood drawings. Of course, due to the amount of blood within these drawings, all knives and crossbows are stored within the climate-controlled unit to prevent rust and warping of the fine woods.
A few rungs down on the social ladder lies the Lannister’s goofy uncle, Tyrion. While family barbecues could probably do without the playful imp’s culinary trickery, it’s clear from any family gathering that the consummate black sheep is as much a part of the clan as Jamie himself (in other news, White Walkers don’t exist and the dragons have been dead for thousands of years).
Tyrion’s unit, while not adorned with the same ornamentation as his sister’s, is still a cornucopia of culture and refinement. A collection of the finest stone booster chairs and step ladders remains safely ensconced within its secure walls. Metal shelving plays home to the gentleman’s little black book, now spanning more volumes than the Oxford English Dictionary. Unfortunately for Tyrion, a cursory glance at the annual “Who’s Who of Dorne’s Fighters” would’ve suggested that the Viper was a less than worthy bet when your life is on the line.
Speaking of playful, the Stark’s youngest daughter is growing up so fast! In addition to killing several men over the preceding months, her skills as a swordsman are at least at a 12th grade level. 18 years in the blink of an eye, right parents?
Of course, any girl’s room can get messy, what with all the arrows, wolf food, and teen magazines lying around. The Stark’s storage unit offers a look at a harsh life in the North, but not without its share of glam. In addition to a collection of pelts to rival Dick Cheney’s, her bejeweled hit-list lays safely inside the water proof walls of a premium unit. Of course, when you’re acutely aware of the incestuous origins of the current king, security is a plus, rendering the dire wolves a prudent investment.
What do you get the man who has everything but a head? Ned’s recent weight loss has made it hard to find hats, but premium storage is just one of the many perks of being Winterfell’s finest. The scarves may not end up in boxes, offering warmth from the never-ending winter and covering up any nasty paper cuts, but there are plenty of other ways to clean up the castle when you’ve got the space.
A strong leaders knows what he needs, and what to send to The Wall. On his journey northward, John Snow was kind enough to drop off Ned’s novelty “arrow through the chest” costume and Joffrey’s birth certificate. Unfortunately, the lord is nothing if not a hoarder, since the hay bails and home brewing equipment “just had to stay!”
“Beauty is pain,” so they say, and who would understand that better than a woman who literally stood in a pyre to make her point? Still better than tweezing your eyebrows, right ladies?
The rightful ruler of the Seven Kingdoms has had to make some sacrifices of her own, since downsizing from Drogo’s roomy tent to the surprisingly cramped period of Meereen. They always look bigger in the listings, don’t they? Needless to say, the dragon’s baby clothes just don’t cut it ever since their growth spurt. Unfortunately for Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons, ser Jorah forgot to write down the door code in his hasty departure. Thank goodness for the 24-hour customer service!