I’m embarrassed to admit that sometimes I keep up with the Kardashians. Granted, it’s not that hard to do, as they plaster themselves all over as many publications as possible. From Kimye to Disaster Dad, those Kardashians are a train wreck that continues to crash over and over.
It’s why we love to hate them.
I was recently granted access to a storage unit they rent in an L.A. suburb. They don’t like to go to it themselves because it’s “icky and there are bugs.” (Their words, not mine.)
Fortunately for you, I don’t mind bugs so I took to the L.A. suburbs to find out what’s really lurking inside their storage unit. Kardashian keepsakes?
Not so much.
1. Lamar Odom’s crack pipe and various drug paraphernalia
Poor Lamar has had some rough patches with drugs over the last few years. By “rough patches” I mean “benders” and by “benders” I mean “he smokes crack a lot.”
He knew he needed to hide his stash from Khloe, which is where the storage unit come into play. He knows the Kardashian clan won’t venture out that way because of the aforementioned bugs.
Lamar loves the rock, and not just this guy.
2. Their egos
All of their egos won’t fit inside their mammoth houses so they had to find a place to store them. Fortunately, they were able to use the extra space in the storage unit where their shame would have gone. Since they have none, their egos fill the void nicely.
3. Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgeon
I’m not exactly sure what medical degenerate did that botched job to Jenner’s face, but I can only hope he’s locked in a hot storage unit, left alone with nothing more than Lamar’s drug stash and Kris Jenner’s ego to keep him company.
He deserves it.
4. All of their sex tapes
I’d like to say there’s only one sex tape for all those Kardashians. No I wouldn’t. I love knowing there are several floating around the interwebs, and not because I want to see them. I don’t. I just find it comical that so many women in one family can make a sex tape and then be shocked when it gets out.
Just how stupid are they?
5. Varying sizes of sweatpants for Rob’s constantly fluctuating weight
Rob used to be a handsome and thin guy…and then burritos happened. The poor guy’s weight fluctuates almost as much as their television ratings.
Quite honestly, I’m not convinced he didn’t eat one of the Kardashians. Hopefully there’s room for seconds.
6. The sensible clothes they should be wearing
Those teenaged girls, Kylie and Kendall, dress like professional escorts. They’re quickly following in Kim’s stiletto footsteps. I predict they’ll each christen their own sex tape by year’s end.
7. Merchandise from Dash, because no one shops there
The girls claim to own a store named Dash, but I have my doubts they sell anything. After all, if women want tight clothes that are too small, they can just shop in the kids’ section of Sears.
There you have it; the contents of the Kardashians’ storage unit. I’m planning on throwing away the key to save humanity from any more pain.